Over the last few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with joy – why it sometimes feels difficult to fully experience, and the small ways I’m learning to cultivate more of it in everyday life.

I originally shared these reflections as a two-part newsletter series, but wanted to bring them here as one piece.

On a recent Saturday with no plans and the sun out, I was cleaning my apartment while listening to music. At one point, I started having a solo dance party without realizing it. I was having a delightful time enjoying my free day and catching up on things at home to some of my favorite tunes.

Then I had a thought. 

“Wow…I wonder how long this feeling will last.” 

Something in me didn’t feel right. I found myself waiting for something to come along and ruin it. Or feeling guilty, like I was maybe avoiding something that I should be doing or that I shouldn’t be having a good day, given how difficult things feel for people in my life. 

My thoughts tried to rob me of the joy I was experiencing.

I had to remind myself to stay there in the moment, dancing and all, because there was nothing to brace for. I was simply enjoying myself and there was no problem with that. 

What if I told you that joy is one of the scariest emotions to feel?

Brené Brown, author, researcher, and professor at the University of Houston, has been talking about shame, vulnerability, and human emotions for years. She’s brought some helpful language to the human experience, and honestly, her work has helped me tremendously in my relationships with others and myself.

In this video of a conversation with Oprah, Brené Brown shares what she calls “dress rehearsing tragedy” when we feel joy, bracing for it to disappear. (Anyone relate? 😬)

I think our ability to experience joy is correlated with our ability to tolerate vulnerability, as she talks about. And I also think it’s related to our environment – our internal and external worlds. For me, this shows up in two ways.

• In my internal world, I find difficulty in experiencing joy with people closest to me. I subconsciously hold back on experiencing joy with them because I’m deeply afraid of losing them one day. Without realizing it, I avoid feeling joy so it doesn’t hurt “as bad” one day when they’re no longer here. 
  
• And externally, sometimes we’re surrounded by people who are “Negative Nellies,” those who are quick to complain or find the bad in any situation. It’s hard to be positive around them when they give us every reason not to. I think this is how I was conditioned growing up in a really tough industry, and I find myself gravitating towards complaining when I’m home because of that.

If you relate to either or both above reasons why it’s hard to feel joy, especially around certain people, you’re not alone. Awareness is what allows us to choose differently.

I’m realizing that joy requires more vulnerability than I once understood. And because of that, I’ve had to become more intentional about creating space for it in my life.

Brené Brown defines joy as “an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation.” Joy is more than happiness – it’s rooted in meaning, purpose, and connection. Because of that, joy requires intention since it won’t happen on its own.

Although this is a journey I’m on, I have four practices that help me experience joy more regularly in this season:

1. Pursue what matters: Since joy is connected to experiencing meaningful things in our lives, I start by pursuing things I care about. This looks like: friendships that are life-giving and mutual, not draining or one-sided; hobbies that make me feel like myself or connect me to others; practicing my faith that connects me to something bigger than myself; and understanding what matters to me (identifying priorities and values) and pursuing those daily.
   
   Not every task is meaningful (looking at you, filling up my gas tank ⛽, especially at $4+/gal), but I try to remember how even ordinary responsibilities support a life I care about.
   
   
2. Practice being present: I’ve noticed I experience joy most fully when I’m present. I aim for that goal, even if I can’t accomplish anything else. When I’m bored, I tend to overthink 💭 or focus on something that pulls me from the current moment. When I notice it, I acknowledge it and try to turn my attention to what’s around me. One of the tools I use for this is called orienting where you thoughtfully notice and observe everything around you, taking in all five senses. It brings me back to the present moment.
   
   If I notice myself feeling nervous or can tell my anxiousness is coming from fear that I will lose this feeling, I try to say to myself or out loud that “I am feeling vulnerable” to name it and take some of the power away from the feelings.
   
   
3. Build a micro-joys list: It’s not realistic to feel joy all the time. However, it’s important for us to know how we can fill up our own “cup” of joy or how to take care of ourselves. Last year, I read somewhere that keeping a list of micro-joys – small things that make you happy – can be a game-changer in boosting your mood when you need it most. 📋
   
   Here are some of what’s on mine that I keep on my phone, make me feel like myself (even a childhood version of me), and light me up:
   
   Have a cup of hot tea
   Buy fresh flowers
   Listen to Shania Twain…and related: watch this 5 second video (I cannot watch it without laughing)
   Do a line dance
   Look at pictures of my cows & family’s farms
   Use my weighted blanket
   
   
4. Practice gratitude intentionally: We can’t experience joy without practicing gratitude because joy means that we recognize what is good and meaningful in our lives. That’s why gratitude has become such an important habit for me. A gratitude practice can be as routine as writing down a few things you’re thankful for every day in a journal or your phone, or it can be as spontaneous as acknowledging a moment you want to cherish as it’s happening. (Pam from The Office did this well with her “mental picture” concept.)
   
   ✍️ I write down at least five specific things I’m thankful for every day, include gratitude in my prayers or conversations with God, and tell myself 10 things I’m grateful for when I need to be pulled from fear or anxiousness. I am also trying hard to get better about noticing what’s special in the moment, and considering what I don’t want to forget about it.

I want to share my journey with joy because I know what it’s like to struggle to feel joy at all. I’ve been the person who has also been so stressed that I feel numb and can’t feel much outside of tired. And I’ve spent years trying to overcome that, which has forced me to reflect deeply about my relationship with joy.

I’ve realized that we often tie the “good” in life to what happens to us, instead of focusing on what we can influence and create.

All the practices I mentioned today are things you can do to feel more joy – they don’t depend on outcomes you can’t control.

As you think about your own relationship with joy, I’ll leave you with how I experienced joy last weekend. I was with my 2.5-year-old niece and her 6-week-old baby brother. My niece was playing on her new swing set and stopped to observe a tiny spider on the nearby fence. She stood there for several minutes, talking to it, and conquering her fear of spiders.

That seemed like the only thing going on in her world, and I felt the same.

Maybe that’s part of what joy requires from us: not the absence of fear, but the willingness to stay present anyway. I saw that in her, and for a moment, it felt contagious.

I cherished the moment as much as I could because I knew it was one I’d want to tell her about when she grows up. 🛝

Some questions to help you reflect on your relationship with joy:

• What makes it hard for you to experience joy or stay in joy?
• Who in your life adds or subtracts joy?
• What are 3-5 things that instantly make you feel better or bring you back to yourself?
• What’s a moment or feeling you experienced in the last year that sticks with you and you don’t want to forget?

If this message resonated with you, you can sign up for my bi-weekly email newsletters here for more personal stories & insights as I walk with you on the journey to become better versions of ourselves.