This one’s for all my other “chronic people pleasers” and the journey we’re on to find & love ourselves just like we love others.

I was lost…

We all have a personal brand or how others view or see us. My personal brands have included “helper,” “people pleaser,” and “relationships-focused” for my whole life. I’ve always believed in the value of serving others as a lifestyle because of my faith and upbringing. (Don’t read this as “Wow, look at me, I’m so amazing”….rather read this as “Here’s who I am and have been. But I can certainly be better. And that’s what brings us to this blog post.”)

Growing up on a dairy farm, I learned the importance of hard work as a young child. But that hard work wasn’t just for the cows, it was also for my family and the “common good.” It was rooted in my desire to contribute in a valuable way towards something bigger than myself. It made me feel like I had a specific role in our family and on our farm. 

In addition to our farm, my faith continues to teach me to serve others, so I cultivated a life of constantly putting others first from a young age…and my gosh, has that been fulfilling. It’s brought me some of my deepest relationships, fondest memories, and most impactful lessons. It is what tied me greatly to my alma mater, it’s what brings me closer to God, it’s what helps me cultivate some amazing relationships with others, and it gives me something to strive for each and every day. 

And although it has been incredible in so many ways, if I’m honest with you, this “chronic people pleasing” has led me to a tough last few years. I am now in the season of life where I get to make lots of important decisions, like what job to have, what causes to donate my time or money to, who to vote for, what I want out of life, and where to live. Because I’ve spent so much of my time committed to other people and how I can help my loved ones, I’ve had no idea how to make those decisions. I’ve felt a sense of “nothingness” when asked what I wanted. I’ve rushed to mentors, friends, and role models for their insight on big decisions because I wasn’t sure what to do…not because I didn’t have all the information I needed, but because I was lost internally. 

I remember going to my grandmother’s house when I had to make a really big job decision a few years ago, intensely crying because I was so upset and confused. I had no idea of what to do because I knew one role was perfect for me and it’s what others expected me to take, but the other role would open new doors and challenge me in different ways. When I eventually made the decision, I felt a million pounds lighter, but I’d be lying to you if I said I believed I ever figured out what I actually wanted in making that decision. My brain and heart were so clouded by others’ thoughts, advice, and expectations (that I put upon myself) that I pulled the trigger based on data rather than what I really wanted. Looking back, I firmly believe I made the right decision based on what I needed professionally, but my lack of clarity of what I wanted was a red flag to me. It was a red flag that continued to come up in various parts of life in the following months – moving to new places, romantic relationships, and everywhere in-between. About a year later, I hit a breaking point and knew I had to figure out what my internal compass was saying, in addition to drowning out the noise around me to actually listen to the voice inside.

…but now I’m found (sort of)

I have spent the last few years dedicated to finding myself and taking care of myself in a way I never knew how to do before. This has looked like consistent weekly rest time, daily gratitude journaling, going to therapy, working with a personal coach, focusing on faith daily (devotional, prayer, etc.), reading and learning as much as possible, and practicing self-compassion and kindness. To get specific, I started getting massages because of the stress I carry in my body, I dove into what I’m looking for in a life partner with a counselor, I began researching candidates for local, state and national office and what the issues are that I vote on, I’m reading books that both support and challenge my faith and lifestyles, I tried a diet to see how to make myself feel better, and I remind myself that I can’t be everything to everyone. And most recently, and I think most importantly, I’ve worked with a coach to determine my core values as a person. 

I came into this coaching experience a few months ago to resolve what I felt were some relational issues and challenges, and am leaving it now realizing that although these issues are appearing in my relationships, it’s because I haven’t determined what I want(ed) and therefore haven’t been able to protect that. Said differently, because I haven’t figured out what’s important to me, I haven’t set boundaries to ensure that those needs and desires are being met. I don’t know what they are, so I can’t strive for them, and I can’t communicate those to others. So what I thought was a set of challenges surfacing in my closest relationships turned out to be me not knowing who I was or how to help other people know what matters most to me…and goodness, did it hurt to discover that. I felt discouraged that I’ve made it 27+ years and I haven’t really “known” me. That meant I had to do some hard & heart work to determine that, and then share that with others. 

I’m still in this journey of figuring out what I believe and what matters most to me, in addition to upholding that through my behaviors and boundaries. It will take me years to align my behaviors with my values, but what’s important is I can now name the principles in my life through which I want everything to be filtered through. They can guide me in making all the “big decisions” I mentioned earlier, and just as importantly, they guide me in making daily small decisions, like if I want to spend extra money on something or how I respond to a friend or coworker. Now that I know who I want to be (a person embodying those values), I know how to approach situations with confidence. 

Why do I share this with you?

There are plenty of people in my life who have tremendous hearts for serving others, and I want them to know that it’s okay to take care of themselves. If that’s you, please hear me when I say that taking care of yourself is one of the most important decisions you can make on a daily basis, and it’s the only way you’re going to get through this life in a balanced way. For example, it’s not bad to say “no” to a friend’s party for a restful evening in bed or your couch if you know you really need some alone time. It’s amazing for you to follow what is most important to you, even when (not if) other people can’t see that from their point of view. 

I also write this because I want you to understand that getting help is important. I couldn’t have made it to this point in life without the support of my friends, family, and boyfriend, but just as critically, the guidance, teaching, and wisdom from my counselors, therapists, and coaches. Seeking help to become a better, stronger person is nothing to be ashamed of…it’s something to be darn proud of. I am so grateful for all of these individual people who have helped me get through hard times and become who I want to be. If you would like to talk about my experiences in therapy, counseling, or coaching, I’d love to chat. Reach out to me on the “contact” page and we can discuss. 

And finally, I write this as a challenge for you to evaluate what your values are. What are the principles in your life that are most important to you no matter what? What do you want to protect in every season of life? What do you want your future self to embody?

If you want some resources to help you determine what your core values are or read more about this topic, here are a couple of websites that have helped me outside of my personal coaching:

• Core Values Discovery Process by Scott Jeffrey – I love the questions in this about how to figure out what’s important to you.
• How to Understand Your Values by The Minimalists – This has a powerful analogy about how our life is a house and our values are the foundation, structure, and framework. 

Once you figure them out, I encourage you to create a visual to help you keep these top-of-mind when experiencing life as a lens through which you can see the world and make decisions. For me, I have these written on a whiteboard in my apartment and in my notebook, captured on a picture on my phone, and shown on a vision board on Pinterest. Do what makes sense for you…but if you struggle to protect what’s most important to you, think about how you can keep these close until you commit them to memory.

If you’ve already done this work and you know your list like the back of your hand, I’m so proud of you! I hope that you choose to live your life aligned with those principles. If you’re still figuring it out, I’m proud of you, too! We’re all on this journey together.

In the meantime, I’m going to choose to live life through these lenses: joy, faith, respect, authenticity / honesty, growth / learning, relationships, and purpose.

How are you going to live?