I write to be honest, to share my experiences with you in hopes that one person gains or learns something from it, identifies with it and understands it, or just simply laughs. That’s what it comes down to for me. But I’ve also realized that I really love to write, so I do it for me. And that exact thought is why I’m writing this blog post. This is to explain the internal “awakening,” if you will, that I’ve had in the last couple of weeks.

If you’re unaware, I just got my gallbladder removed a few weeks ago during Spring Break. I had about a week to sit at home and do nothing but think and occasionally watch a movie or two, because that’s all I felt up to doing. All I did was think for a week. My thoughts? They ranged from the future of my family’s farm to where I’m going to be in 15 years to when I could eat a piece of pizza for the first time after my surgery. All of these thoughts, and many others, ran through my mind and I realized how overwhelmed I am and have been. It wasn’t just during recovery I realized that, but I’ve been pretty stressed all semester and I’ve had a hard time, as expressed by my last blog post. I’ve been super committed to a wide variety of things. I love to be busy and to ultimately give myself to the people in my life. Heck, three of my top five strengths are dedicated to others. Includer, developer and WOO (winning others over) are all for other people, and each holds true to my lifestyle.

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where honestly all I’m doing is living for other people- for organizations I’m in, to help people feel better about themselves, to become better friends with someone, to help others in service, to make people smile, or to make people feel included or comfortable. My life is a continuum of trying to do things for other people.

Don’t get me wrong, service is one of my favorite things and is so important. I also love people. But what I’ve realized, however, is that this dedication and commitment to other people has left me completely empty internally. (Obviously I only got one organ removed so not completely.) But on a spiritual level, I’ve become so caught up in other people and making their lives better, that I forgot about me and why I serve others in the first place. It’s become something others expect out of me and what people identify or characterize myself as, which is flattering, but doesn’t mean as much as it should at this point.

It seems that over the past few months, I’ve been forcing it. I’ve keep going and going and have lost much of the intention, purpose, and genuine thought behind what I do. I’ve never wanted to be fake or for that to happen. I’m disappointed in myself for getting to that point, but I’m trying to change my life, one day at a time.

I’m taking a step back emotionally and spiritually in a lot of what I do and in the relationships I’m in, because I’ve been really caught up in that/them. But by removing myself from things or people I’m so attached to helps me remember why I love them so much in the first place. It puts the purpose back in my life.

Stepping back has made me realize that I’m so important, and that if I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. When considering possible future roles/commitments, I have to remind myself of this and that I need to consider its impact on my life before I make a decision solely based on the feelings or thoughts of others.

This semester I became so overwhelmed with my involvement not because of being unable to handle the busyness of it all, but because of never considering myself in what I do. I haven’t made a decision because “I would love this” in I don’t know how long, which is pretty messed up.

I guess I could say that I’m having a tough time coming to terms with thinking my life was supposed to be for other people for so long that I took myself for granted. There’s only ever going to be one of me in the world. I’m the one Elizabeth with my particular passions and dreams in this world, and I took advantage of that for the past few years. I aimed at making other people happy, when sometimes that won’t even work. I can’t make the world a better place for every single person on this planet. But what I can do is be the best me that I can. And I can do that by being more intentional and thoughtful in my everyday actions and by considering myself and God in more of my choices. By maximizing my life and bringing purpose back into everything I do, I can be more successful at spreading joy and being a better friend. I can’t make anyone’s life any better unless I do the same for myself.

It’s not being selfish to try to make your life better for you. I challenge you to think about your busy life: do you make at least five minutes a day for yourself? What drives the choices that you make? Do you think about everything you say or do? When you say something nice to someone, do you do it because you genuinely mean it or because you feel you need to say something nice? I urge you to think about these questions and to say/do things because you mean to. Love and life your life for no one else but you.