There are many people in my life who have expressed a fear of the end of their twenties. Everyone handles milestones differently, but I can’t say that I have been afraid of my 30^th birthday. However, I am anticipating my body to start aching a bit more based on what I’ve heard from others. 🙂

The main reason I’m not anxious about turning 30 is because I don’t think anything magically changes when the clock strikes midnight. I think it’s just another day – one worth celebrating, of course – and life goes on. But if I had to think about the one way I hope that my life changes – not by magic, but by my choice and self-work – I hope that my 30^th birthday brings a new person in the driver’s seat.

Let me explain.

I’ve been doing some intense work on myself in the last couple of months as I try to understand who I truly am, how my brain and body work, and how my childhood self shows up in my daily adult life. Most of my focus has been on the nervous system, learning how to regulate it, and how it impacts my relationships. Through this work, I have realized that my life has been filled with and driven by fear. Literally. Picture a big, mysterious guy or silhouette in the front seat of the car (my life) whose name is “Fear.” I felt like I was out of control and lost because I couldn’t see who was driving and I couldn’t tell where I was headed. All I knew was that I wasn’t driving, and I tried to do whatever I possibly could to take the steering wheel and head somewhere that felt comfortable.

There are many ways this showed up in my life and behaviors, but this primarily came through as my desire for always helping and pleasing others (“Help is the sunny side of control” – Anne Lamott), trying to take control in situations (maybe leading a project at work that I didn’t need to), and having unrealistically high expectations of myself and others. These fears took over my life and I couldn’t see it until I “crashed” recently, and had to put the debris together to understand what really happened. Until the last couple of months – an “investigation” of sorts, as I tried to understand how I got here – I had no idea how buried this fear was in my brain, beliefs, and thoughts, and how it has impacted my ability to connect with others in literally every way.

I’ll be frank and say that this has been some of the most difficult work I’ve ever done. I absolutely love getting better and growing, but when it comes to challenging and changing the literal view that you have of yourself and your world, that is HARD. It takes practice. It takes strength. It takes diligence. I am not perfect, but coming to this realization that I let fear take over my life has been liberating. It’s been enlightening to say the least, and I have never felt more optimistic about my future than I do right now. It’s not because my life is easy or there’s nothing challenging right now (trust me, that’s not the case), but it’s because I know who I am and I know how I “work” better than ever. I was never able to separate myself from my thoughts or beliefs that the fear created in my mind – I thought everything was just what it was, and it was painful. It was not only painful for me, but it caused significant damage in my relationships with others. I can’t change how this fear has driven me to make some poor decisions or hurt others, but I can change how I move forward with this knowledge.

Now that I know I have choices over what I do, think, and believe, I can change my life for the better. I don’t have to live scared. I am conscious of what I’m afraid of and what traps I easily fall into. I know what boundaries I need to set to be my best self. I recognize what prevents me from connecting with others so I can make daily choices to work against those. I understand what I need so I can notice when I’m trying to fill those needs in unhealthy or unhelpful ways. I can live hopeful of what’s to come, even when I don’t have it figured out.

I used to think something was wrong with me based on how much stress and anxiety I was under, but now I understand why I felt that way. Since I can understand how it was showing up for me, I can do everything I can to not let my thoughts or actions buy into that fear. This doesn’t mean I don’t have stress, anxiety, or hard work ahead, but it means that I get to have more peace in my life and get to make a choice on how my life goes.

Because of this work, I hope that my thirties are full of peace. Not the peace that ignores what’s hard, but the peace that has confidence in what’s to come, regardless of what it is. One definition of peace is “state or period in which there is no war or a war has ended.” I am so proud to say that 30 is the year in which I ended the war on myself, and I let peace take the driver’s seat instead of me or my fear.

Questions to consider:

• What consistent belief or thought comes up for you often? Where might that be coming from?
• How might you be “at war” with your mind?
• Who is in the driver’s seat of your life? Who do you wish was in that seat?

Helpful resources in this work:

• The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
• Personal Development School
• You Can Heal With Us – Co-Regulation Course
• Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier by Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey
• Stop the Spiral Devotional: 100 Days of Breaking Free from Negative Thoughts by Jennie Allen