Let’s play a short game. You get a point for each of the below scenarios you’ve experienced.

• You have had everything but the everything bagel stuck between your teeth during a conversation
• You’ve gotten toilet paper stuck on your shoe in public
• You have pronounced someone’s name wrong repeatedly
• You’ve driven down the one-way street the wrong way
• You’ve hurt someone’s feelings but have no clue that you did

If you didn’t get any points, I’m shocked and proud of you for making it this far without doing any of the above. However, I’m sitting here with five points…and that doesn’t include the amounts of times each of those things have happened to me.

All of these situations are ones that we’d rather not be in for one reason or another. Maybe we’re extra embarrassed about the poppy seed because we’re on a first date, we’re overwhelmed from driving down the street the wrong way because we have a child in the car with us, or we’re sad that we upset someone we work with and it feels like there’s no way to repair it. And then when we get in that situation, frankly, it just makes it a lot worse.

The positive aspect of all of these situations is that they all can improve if someone is brave enough to bring them to your attention. Yes, this feels uncomfortable and a bit overwhelming at first, but there is no way for things to get better unless you address them first. You might be thinking to yourself that those situations don’t require bravery, but I would disagree. It’s a bit nerve-wracking to admit that something isn’t great, no matter how small. However, we all can choose to be brave in our every day lives through giving and receiving feedback – not just at work, but at home, in our friendships, and everywhere we want to foster growth and positive change.

Feedback can feel incredibly overwhelming to give and to receive. I could write a long piece on how to do each of these, but wanted to keep it simple and share four simple ways to create a positive culture of feedback in your life, whether that’s at work, home, or anywhere between.

1. Get permission before sharing feedback with someone

Before you give someone feedback, it is incredibly important for you to ask if they are willing to receive your feedback at that time before moving forward. It sounds silly, but asking someone the question, “Can I give you some feedback?” before sharing it with them is huge. It allows them to prepare themselves for what’s about to come in the conversation, it gives them permission to say “not right now” if they’re not ready for it, and it is a non-threatening way to help them understand other people want to help them get better. Many people have bad experiences with feedback because of one of those three aforementioned things not happening or going well, so when you create that experience of putting the receiver in the driver’s seat, then it allows them to feel in control and ready for what’s to come.

It may feel awkward to ask the question as a feedback giver, however, what’s more awkward is when you catch someone off-guard who may be having a tough day and cries when you give them feedback (and the tears have nothing to do with you). I promise the question is worth it. And I promise that it gets easier and less weird every time you say it.

2. This isn’t a deli – feedback shouldn’t be a sandwich

I was originally taught to give feedback in a sandwich method of sharing one positive affirmation followed by one critical piece of feedback and then followed by another positive affirmation. This method is called the “sandwich method” because of it being positive on both “ends.” I was told this made it feel less “harsh” for the receiver. What I appreciate about the sandwich is that it is an excellent starter method to help you understand what pieces to include in giving feedback, however, we can do much better than this. This method arguably is actually sugar-coating the real feedback for the receiver and can come across without clarity. The sandwich method is set-up for making the giver feel better about giving their feedback, when in reality, that shouldn’t be the goal of feedback…it should be about having clear communications about what’s going on between both parties. In reality, feedback can hurt. But as I’ve mentioned before, it’s the only way you can move forward. So why try to slow down the process of moving into positive change by sugar-coating it?

I firmly believe that “being clear is kind” and I have moved into a different method of feedback that is specific, clear, tangible, and organized. My favorite way of giving feedback is through the “Start, stop, keep doing” method where you find pieces of feedback in each of those categories (or however many apply). I learned about this method from Donald Miller, business author and podcaster, and have loved it for years in and out of the workplace because of how specific it is. It combines both affirmation (“keep”) with clear expectations of what needs to change (“start” and “stop”) that leaves little room for confusion or hurt feelings. It removes how personal feedback can feel because you’re giving examples of behaviors or results, rather than describing the receiver of the feedback.

3. Treat feedback like it’s a gift (because it is)

It can be a challenge to view feedback as a good thing when you first receive it. It’s easy to assume that feedback is pointing at what’s wrong with you, but that’s not the whole story. Feedback is a gift because it’s about becoming better, and the moment you realize and embrace that, you will become unstoppable.

Something that helped me learn to take feedback better is the understanding that it should be about behaviors exhibited or results associated with those behaviors, not about you as a person. Sometimes the people giving you feedback don’t separate you from what you’ve done, but you should even if they don’t. If you feel like they’re not being specific about it down to a behavior or results level, you should be empowered to ask questions to clarify so you actually know what to improve or where the problem is.

Once you understand what feedback is about, it’s crucial to have a growth mindset and carry a willingness to always improve. This is one of the hardest things in the world for you to teach someone, but when they have it, it’s amazing. When you have a growth mindset, you are humble enough to know you’re not perfect but confident enough to know you can move forward and you’re diligent enough to put in the effort to get better. As I always say in working with students, you can teach people a lot of things, but if they can’t identify where they’re at and be willing to admit they can get better, then I can’t teach them anything. It starts with self-awareness and then is executed through putting in the work to improve. And there is nothing more powerful than someone who can embrace those skills.

 4. Continue the conversation

Once you come to understand that feedback truly is a tool to help you get better, it’s vital to make it part of your every day life. The more that you discuss with others the ways you can improve, the less intimidating it becomes. Not only that, but the more others share with you, the more self-aware you become as you pick through what’s the most important feedback to listen to (and decipher what’s “good” vs. “bad” feedback) and the better your life becomes overall.

Feedback can be a part of your life in small ways – it doesn’t just have to be in your annual review at work.  The key is that you can’t wait for people to give it to you – you need to learn to ask for it, even though that can be difficult. Ask your family members what they thought on how you handled a situation, ask your partner what you can do better next time regarding something you did that upset them, or ask your boss to give you feedback every month. The more that you get used to having conversations out of your comfort zone of any shape and size, the easier it becomes.

What’s important to recognize is that feedback doesn’t need to be a one-way street. Your parent, friend, partner, or boss doesn’t need to just share their thoughts with you – you should make it a conversation. Ask questions to gain more clarity on the specifics of what you did well or what you can do better. Feedback directed at your behaviors or results is really for you and your improvement, so it’s important you own it, even if you aren’t delivering the feedback. It can also be about aligning yourself better with others and their expectations, so showing that it’s a team effort and you’re bought-in through asking questions can go a long way for your relationship with that person.

---

If you’ve read this far, it proves that you’re curious enough to have conversations about feedback, and that’s impressive. Feedback used to be something that terrified me since I’ve received some harsh feedback in dreadful ways, but I have committed to ensuring that my future feedback conversations do not ever go like those previously did. These four elements have helped me gain confidence in giving and receiving feedback and has gotten me to a place of tremendous trust with the students I work with. I hope that some of this insight helps you in your various parts of life as you navigate having challenging conversations and growing in your relationships.