Written with Morgan B., someone who is a tremendous friend to me and is a rock-star epitome of what a friend should be

A note from Elizabeth:

Friendship is one of my favorite words and concepts. Whether it’s with a four-legged friend or your best buddy from home, I love the idea of sharing life with others. There’s even Chris Stapleton and Spongebob songs about it. Spongebob especially got it right when he spelled out his friendship song with “fun“:

College was such a fun time for me for the sole reason that I had such a strong community living around me within a couple mile radius. There’s something special about being near people that gives you the opportunity to cultivate extraordinary relationships, and that was my favorite part of my college experience.

You can learn a lot from your college friends, and I certainly did. I remember one conversation with a friend (who I dearly looked up to) when I was going through a painfully challenging season with another friend. I felt I was at a crossroads and needed to make a big change in our friendship for it to be healthier, and I wrestled with the process and experience for a long time, so I was talking to her about what to do. Something she said to me has stuck with me since, and it was that “Being a friend is the hardest job I have.”

It hit home because I knew how active she was in the community and I knew she wore many different hats, but wow, being a friend was the hardest? I couldn’t believe it at first, then it hit me – that’s the truth. When you’re giving everything to your relationships with others, it gets messy and difficult. That’s the way humans are. But being invested and present in your friendships, while messing up as we all do, can lead to some really tough conversations and growth. And that’s just it – it’s growth, and what comes from it can be beautiful.

The community my college years gave me was wonderful, but what I didn’t expect was how hard it has been to go from living incredibly close to your pals to living across the country and world from one another. Life gets in the way, and it seems impossible to stay connected and remain in one another’s lives. It’s brutal and can hit you like a ton of bricks when you’re sitting alone in your home in a random city, wondering what’s going on in their lives like you did every day years before. But you’re not alone in these feelings, and it’s something we need to talk about more.

My dear friend Morgan and I have had many conversations about this, and we wanted to dive deeper into it in a blog post. (Disclaimer: Morgan is the real deal, y’all. We instantly knew we were going to be big parts of one another’s lives when we met in 2015, and she’s been a light in my life ever since.) Here’s our shot at helping us all understand how to maintain friendships through life’s crazy transitions, especially after college. 

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The Truth

Navigating friendships in young adult life and throughout life’s transitions can be very challenging, but the growing closer and apart from people is all part of life. We wish that we had a little bit of a heads-up when graduating and transitioning into the “post-grad” phase, so we wanted to share what we’ve learned about friendships as young adults to encourage you in the process.

When you take your first job or internship after college and move to a new place, you try to put down roots to make a place feel like home. You will start to build a new community of people (friends) that make this new path in life feel more like home. It takes time, energy, and effort beyond belief. And sometimes, the hard truth is that what you need now can’t be met by friends from college. Maybe they are walking a different path and don’t have the perspective or background to offer help. Maybe you want more than what they can give. Maybe trying to maintain the friendship never works out, and honestly, it could be a 1,000 different reasons that you keep missing each other. Life gets in the way. You don’t have the time and flexibility that college offered. You may have different time schedules or be in different time zones. You may want different things from life and have different goals. There are natural reasons why you grow in your own ways and sometimes grow apart in the process.

The Natural Shift

Regardless, this stage of life is by far the most complicated and uncertain time of your life. The people you need to lean on most at this stage may show up and not be the people you need anymore. Maybe these people can’t show up like you need them to or give you the support you need. Maybe they are showing up in a way you feel you need them to and you just don’t see it that way. Transitioning to a different stage in your life will shift the focus for each of your friendships, and hear us when we say this: that is okay.

Don’t feel guilty about wanting something different from your friends after so much time, or altering what you need from them because your own circumstances have changed. Some people will remain priorities as you will for them, some will remain a priority for you and they won’t be around. At the end of the day, each of those friendships serve a purpose though we may not know what that might be in the moment.

There’s Always a Purpose

Friendships are the most valuable gift God gives us. Some are only meant to stay for a season, others a lifetime. Cherish both. As friends come and go, we must accept the paths that each of us take, give grace beyond measure for the things we do not understand, and be willing to let people go in order to open the next chapter.

We have both learned that all friendships serve a purpose, and each of them is a unique one. Our most important friends are there for the big moments when we land a new job, when a family member passes, or when we get our heart broken. You can turn to them for anything and everything. On the other hand, some friends might be support for you at work or the go-to lunch friends for you in the office, but you don’t see them every weekend or outside of work. Others may be people you text a few times a year to check-in and see how they’re doing, but don’t see on a regular basis.

Not being best friends with everyone you work with or interact with may be something you feel discouraged about, but by investing more in the other friends in your life may be what you’re called to in this season of life. Every kind of friend you have should add value to your life, and we need to recognize that not every friendship will look the same.

It’s Okay to Move On

One of the things we’ve struggled with the most is the concept that you may lose touch with people in your life who were a big part of it before. We each have friends who came into our lives for a time and now they’re not someone who we keep up with regularly, and that can be a tough pill to swallow. What we’ve learned through this, though, is that these friends are in your life for a reason and will teach you lessons, if they’re only there for a season of life. This is totally normal for us, and we have to be okay with letting people go. We have to be willing to let go of others because everyone’s people and priorities change all of the time. This can even be true when you’re in the same season of life as someone.

Think of it this way, sometimes you’re walking on the same road as a friend, but you might not be walking in the same direction anymore. That doesn’t mean you stop walking, but it means you both focus on the road ahead. Maybe your roads will meet again in the future, but maybe they won’t, and that’s alright. Keep going and learn from the walk you shared together.

The Ones Who Stick Around

One of the most wonderful parts of life that we’ve experienced so far has been sharing life with our friends who are with you through various transitions and phases, maybe in your area or via long-distance. The key to this is to find people who value you and who you value. You must find people who show up for you, stick around, and make an intentional effort to be there for you.

Friendship is a two-way street. People have to show up for you just as much as you have to show up for them. What we mean by this is sending encouraging text messages when your friend knows you’re going through a hard time, giving a quick call to check in, or showing you care in small ways. It doesn’t have to be a cross-country trip to visit, but it’s consistently showing you care and that your friendship is meaningful to you both. Sometimes you’ll be able to give 80% and your friend will give 20%, and sometimes it will be the opposite. Other times you will both miss the mark, and that’s okay too, so long as you both have understanding about what missing the mark means.

And of course, friendships ebb and flow. You may talk to a friend a lot for a few months and then find yourself in a dry spell, a friend from years ago may reappear, or even in the middle of all the crazy you may try to make room for making new friends. Hear this: You are allowed to change your friendships. You are allowed to cut friends who become toxic to your life. You are allowed to chase a friend who keeps trying to leave that you want to stay. Just make sure it’s for the right reasons, and for people who truly value you at your core.

BFP (Best Friendship Practices)

Even our own friendship has evolved over time. However, with anywhere between 5 to 15 hours of living apart, our relationship has grown and helped us each learn more about ourselves, one another, and how we can best support each other. We certainly are not perfect, but here’s what has worked well for us in our years of friendship, or our four key “BFP”:

1. We make an intentional effort to check-in with one another, no matter our schedules. This looks like random text messages, sporadic phone calls, and scheduled time together on the phone or in person. Of course, our schedules change and life gets busier in some seasons, but we make an intentional effort to consistently be there for one another. If we’re unable to make things work, we’re upfront about it, give the other person grace, and show up the next time. Here’s a TEDx Talk that reminds us that consistency in friendship is key.
2. We are honest and share thoughts about what we’re going through and ask for help. We don’t hold back in our friendship, whether that’s in sharing information or giving feedback. We recognize that the most meaningful relationships with others require authenticity, which is what we aim for.
3. We share things with each other that remind us of the other person. This can be social media posts, blogs, books, videos, podcasts, news article, etc. When you see something that could help a friend or even brighten their day, take the time and share it with them. Better yet, write them a letter, send them a card, or a postcard. Things that don’t take much time usually end up meaning the most.
4. We can’t do it all for everyone. As much as we love all the people in our lives, we have to be realistic about taking this approach to our relationships. We can’t be everything to everyone, so prioritizing our friendships and determining a few people we want to commit most to will help you go deeper with those people.

We don’t always get it right, and sometimes it’s much harder than it sounds. We get it. The important part is realizing that, owning it, and doing whatever you can to show up the next time.

Remember, sometimes it comes down to communicating with them and showing up in the way they need you to, not the way you would want to be communicated with. It’s about meeting them where they are, keeping your word, and doing your best to be intentional for the people that matter most.

Your friends are one of the greatest things that will happen to you. We encourage you to invest in the ones who bring value to your life, give them grace through life’s craziness, show up intentionally and consistently for them, and grow together. We can’t say it won’t be hard, but we can promise you it’ll be worth it. That’s where life really happens.

 

Sending love to you and your friends in this new year.

-Morgan & Elizabeth