“Stay in touch with us” is a common piece of advice for those leaving an organization either after an internship or employment, or for those searching for jobs after connecting with an individual. “Stay in touch” sounds nice…but what does it really mean? How much is too much?

Although everyone has their own preferences and take on this, from my experience in working with students and folks looking for a job, I wanted to share three key considerations as you keep in contact with the connections you form in networking or professional environments.

Key 1: Build the genuine connection first.

This may be a hot take, but networking is NOT about what someone can do for you or getting a job. Networking is about building genuine, mutual relationships with people. Part of that includes meeting lots of people and sharing more about yourselves, but it becomes more than a meet and greet and evolves into individual connections when you feel there is an interest in staying in touch, you share a passion or interest, or you want to learn more about them and/or what they do. This means that meeting people is step one, but actually getting to know them is step two and most important.

I bring this up because sometimes I see people feel like they need to stay in touch with their old team/employer or someone they met when it’s not authentic. Maybe you enjoyed your time on the team or time chatting with the person, but you don’t have a lot in common with them or you don’t feel drawn to them in this season of your life…that’s okay. It’s also alright if you didn’t really enjoy working with them or meeting them. Don’t force it. I encourage you to maintain a relationship with people that naturally feel like it’s mutual and they care about you (and vice versa). This also means not to just network, connect, or stay in touch with those who are recruiters. You should be meeting folks across the organization you worked or interacted with and building relationships during your employment or time connected with them. You can be strategic about it and get to know leaders or decision makers, which could be beneficial for future hiring decisions, but remember that it needs to feel like a real connection.

I’ve been on the receiving end of multiple forced connections that I didn’t reciprocate and they were all uncomfortable. In one instance, the student was trying way too hard to find something to talk about or to stay in touch with me via text and email just because they thought I had the ability to hire them and they thought popping up in messages was going to increase their chances of being hired. I was relatively unresponsive and didn’t seem excited in my responses to them because it felt fake, and I wish that student took the queues and realized that mentorship and networking should feel like a fit…and this wasn’t. 

So before you start to reach out to people after your employment, focus on building the right connections and relationships when you’re still there, then prioritize the people who are truly invested in you and you want to stay in touch with.

Key 2: Find the best and preferred way to maintain contact with each person.

Every person has their own communication preferences, especially when it comes to work. Keeping in touch with someone after working with them can feel like this awkward gray area of being co-workers and now friends (maybe?). It also can feel strange and ambiguous on how to follow-up after meeting someone for the first time. Do you send them emails? Call them? Text them? Once you figure out how to talk to them, how often to you catch up? It feels overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be.

Once you have picked a few people to prioritize staying connected with from a company or event, share with them in your normal communication with them (meeting, email, phone call, etc.) that you’d like to stay in touch after your time with the organization or this event. Once you’ve shared that your relationship is important to them and you’d like to keep in contact, ask them, “What’s your preferred way to stay in touch?” or “How would you like to connect next?” You can provide email, text, call, or meetings as options (or whatever works for them). They should tell you what is best for them, and if that doesn’t work for you, see if you can come to a compromise. You can also offer LinkedIn, if you’re not already connected there, since that is more of a passive way to stay in contact.

The frequency in which you connect is up to you. Personally, I like to hear from someone every 3-5 months to learn about how they’re doing, what they’re up to (since we’ve last chatted), and if they’re still pursuing or interested in my company. It’s not all about work, but I do like to know if there’s a way that I can help them, and I think many leaders, friends, or former colleagues could feel the same way.

I have seen a spectrum of how others have done this, from incredibly well and very poorly. The ones who did it very poorly followed some pattern similar to this: texting me every month with a tone of “How are jobs looking?” or with no real purpose. Others who have done it poorly have emailed me and everyone else that they know in the company / organization asking about upcoming jobs. Although I appreciate the determination, it is hard to vouch for someone when they seem desperate and have ignored our advice to stay patient. When I’ve seen it done well, I feel genuinely cared for and checked in on by the other person. They tell me about their life briefly and wish me well or ask how I’m doing, or simply say “thinking of you” with a personal note. I really appreciate when I feel like a human they’re invested in, not when I’m being talked to just to check it off a list or to maintain contact with my employer (or to see what I can do for them).

Key 3: Don’t give up after you find a job.

Because many of us have been taught that a network is about what they can do for us, it’s tempting and almost natural give up on our network when we don’t need any help. However, this is the most crucial time for us to build our network. Even if we found a job with another organization or we solved our problem they were helping us solve, we should maintain our connections that were life-giving, uplifting, or meaningful in a way that feels natural to you and the other person / people.

Once you have prioritized the people who are most important to stay in touch with, make a plan to connect with them, even when you’re not having issues at work or you’re not looking for a job. It’s how you show up in those seasons that helps you be prepared relationally and skillfully when you really need them. Your network is truly one of the most important things you can dedicate time and energy to. Do what you can to maintain it, ask others for advice, and connect once or twice a year with the most important people via email or a call/meeting. People are built to be in community – do what you can to contribute to this for others and to build this for yourself.

Plus, you never know what opportunities will come up that the person knows about inside or outside of that organization. It can be invaluable to be connected at the right time. Most of my jobs have come to fruition because of my network when I wasn’t looking. The people who helped bring those opportunities into my life were very important (and still are), showing how your network and opportunities will come if you dedicate time to them.

Although I have some work personally to do regarding staying in touch with some incredible role models and connections in my life, I encourage you to make a plan on what you’ll do to maintain relationships in yours. We all should prioritize this in every season of life, even if each season looks a little bit different from another.

Here is some reflection as we head into our final weeks of the year:

1. Who made a big impact on me this year? How can I share this with them and express my gratitude?
2. Who is a person I used to work with that means a lot to me? How can I connect with them in the next month?
3. What is your preferred method of communication for someone staying in touch with you?